Thoughts of a Manic Mind

I think I need a hug. Is it okay to admit I need a hug? Is it okay to show vulnerability..when others see strength in you all the time? Is okay to miss your daughter – when she’s been so mean you’re almost at the point that you just have just froze to the feelings of accepting “sorrys” – I take that back …I don’t remember a truthful, one time Sorry ever really come out of her mouth. In the last …few years …All I ever remember is finger pointing, being treated like one of her friends, and watching everyone else treat her like crap – and then me picking up the pieces, wiping away the tears, and when it happens again – The scapegoat that I am – somehow ends up right here..back in the trash pile. Its hard to NOT be the downer when your emotions are all down. Its hard to smile when all you want to do is frown. Its easy to give good advice when others lives or situations hit so close to home and you sympathize so deeply with the pain a parent can go through as they feel their child slipping away. I know Ive never been perfect..many will tell you that. Im sure if asked – many would have much much much to say – and to be quite honest – I gave up a very long time ago caring about what people thought. The only opinions Ive ever cared about – were my Mom’s, My brothers and my childrens – biological and blood. Okay, I lied. I have a handful of friends, whom I shall call my angels who have accepted me for me, walked beside me, laughed with me (not at me), not one have I ever questioned their intentions on why they would even want to be a part of my life – when I haven’t got much to offer..except maybe a good laugh or a life experience story that may help them get through a hard time. – During these times…Ive realized and learned that when others reach other to us – we need them as much as they need us. What Im finding now …is that ive always been the black sheep. This isn’t front page news. This isn’t new. This isn’t something Ive just found out …ive known it. We all have things in our lives that we aren’t proud of, things that made us sad, things we have said or done we aren’t that impressed by …things others who mean a great deal to us – who have done the same – and we’ve all hidden behind behind walls or shadows of the person or people we once were in a whole different life or a life close to us that we still long very much to part of. The question still remains….what went wrong and where did I get off the track? Ive always taught my daughter…and her brother and sisters that we all have CHOICES. Those choices affect  us throughout our life. Good or Bad. They have consequences. I have watched them make some good ones. I have watched them make bad ones. I walked beside them during most. I was always the easiest and most understanding between their father and myself – Teaching that our choices held consequences. And, if we chose to make these choices…to expect those consequences to bite you in the ass in the end..and 10 times out of 10…there was no way of getting around the outcome. When we make decisions, choices or conscious mistakes…(meaning: we know that mistake or decision is WRONG before we make it) – then we should expect that more than likely – the outcome is followed by Karma and we need to prepare for the consequences. We need to be an adult and stand up and be an adult and realize that because we didn’t care at the moment about those consequences…that we now need to care about how those end consequences are not only going to affect us – but, those around us. Whether its our parents, our friends, Our own family, our own children…our work…school etc. Its like  a game of dominos. Once one falls…they all do. Some people care…some just watch them over and over again. I try to surround myself with people who THINK before they make those bad choices. But, again …No one is perfect. Another is Karma…what most people don’t get is that with karma…It don’t always go against the person who is doing the bad…it usually affects someone THEY love. And, badly. Ive realized just in the last few years, how age makes you grow more – think more and cherish more. You happen to shake your head at dumbasses, roll your eyes at those who take things for granted…and try very hard to keep your mouth shut to those who think they know it all – because in the end, people need to learn for themselves these life lessons. No one ever said it wasn’t okay to try to guide someone in a different direction when You’ve seen it happen to someone you love and have a bad result, Happen to you and have an even worse result – Or happen to a complete stranger and end up tragically. Ive never understood why people care to talk about or feel sad, or badly about a situation that death is the outcome from something totally preventable – when it could have been talked about BEFORE hand. Yet, its always the topic of conversation the minute AFTER. How many times does something HAVE TO HAPPEN before we realize that some things – need to be discussed – no matter if the audience, young or old, wants to roll their eyes, fall asleep, Or just think they know it all. Out of that group….I can guarantee – There will be a majority of people that are interested and there will be those who will HEAR it and pass it along. Id give anything in this world to turn back time and have the days where my daughter smiled everyday. Where we’d spend hours talking about nothing…watch movies, laugh for no reason. Make French toast on Sunday Mornings…When Id invite her friends over for dinner and make them all a stuffed chicken breast with all the fixings and have a movie night where they all picked a number at the door when they got there – and whoever won – got a gift basket Carly picked out from Bath and Body Works!…Id give back every smile – for a day up at camp with my girl – riding the back roads with dad – looking for deer and moose – holding her tight and sleeping in the tent – and painting on pieces of wood. There were times when I thought I was doing something wrong back then…That I wasn’t giving enough attention and after her dad died..I wasn’t quite sure Id be enough …until the holidays – like Fathers Day – Or his birthday when Id get Fathers’ Day cards from all the kids – and hers would say “Thank you for being both mom and dad” Sometimes Id like to say “Id love to have a re-do…but, do I really?” Sometimes I want to go back in time and ask Kelly “what am I doing wrong? ….Such a huge part of me – will tell me that Ive done nothing wrong.Everyone has their opinion of us…him and I. The ones that truly knew us…Knew and knows that when we hated each other ..we hated. But, when we loved – there was nothing deeper and respected me for the parenting I did do. He knew I tried my best – especially towards the end. He never would have accepted the attitude of anyone taking advantage of me. He never would allow anyone to treat me badly – That was his job (lol) and he most certainly did not condone his children to treat their mothers with disrespect. Nor did he allow anyone to be disrespectful in front of his children. I admired that about him. Through the butting of our heads…through our arguing, loving hard and loving soft….I admired that most. I miss the safety he gave …although at his hardest – the fear I felt was overwhelming, debilitating and outrageously destructive. Ive lived with the deepest of regrets that my children lost their father when they did – at any time of their live wouldn’t have mattered..No child should lose a parent. So many questions unanswered, so much pain to try diminish or make easier..a joy to try to explain to young children when you donate organs to other families to save their loved ones and teach your children that its okay to feel the grief of losing their father – to save another life. And, the understanding. So many questions, so many unanswered. So many tears. So much anger and reasons to just give up. But, you cant. Being a parent …you cant. You must use what strength you have – no matter the amount…and, with full force move forward. Hope they understand know with every inch of your being that everything you’re doing is with their best interest at heart. I love these children – each one ..not one more than another, just each one in their own special ways. Im so very proud of each of them. So proud of who they’ve become. Through their struggles, trials, laughs, smiles and tears…they are probably some of the strongest people I know. Im so blessed an glad they are mine and grateful their mothers have allowed me in their lives and have let me call them mine. Compassion and watching your children grow, learn and excel into the adults that you once were quite sure they’d grasp onto the concept of what the true meaning of certain criteria when put into situations that they must learn to either choose to walk away or deal with in an adult manner – as to teach their own children right from wrong..yet, also let them know that they have the right to voice their opinions on subjects that are important to them – is yet, another scary reality. Especially in this world. Ive said and its been said, “it takes a village to raise a child” – I think it takes a whole task force. It don’t matter where we are, where we live, who our kids choose as friends, who we choose as friends. There will ALWAYS be someone in the midst that isn’t what we expect…that isn’t up to par or who is shady in some way and those people are tests in some way to challenge and/or channel our inner strength to make sure we can survive the hardships that might come our way. The biggest thing and I guess my whole point to this was – I am truly blessed with those who have entered my life, Those who have been in my life, Those who have stayed in my life, Those who encourage me – those who walk beside me (not ahead or behind) and those who treat me with the greatest of respect and enjoy the good and even the not so good times. Cherish those around you. Let those who have left you – leave. Cherish them still. Never forget where you came from or who you’ve learned from. Love much and love often. Cry if you must but make those tears count. – Hug often and never let go even after your arms leave each other. Continue holding hands after miles separate …and dance like no ones watching. Always love your children – even when they don’t want it or act like little shits. Even when they treat you badly – you’ll always be their scapegoat, their sounding board and the ones that are suppose to pick them up when they fall down. This does not mean to enable bad behavior, be treated with disrespect, or hurt. Pain will always be a part of life – but, when you are treated better by worse people than those closest to you – those situations need to be re-evaluated. Love with all you have, Forgive with what You’ve been given and teach with an open mind. Life is a lesson, we learn it when we’re through. Love and Hugs x0x

Im not afraid anymore – Of being Your disappointment.


I don’t get it. I never have. I don’t know if I ever will.

Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, stretched my arms and yawned for the very first time …I wonder…

Was I the bright star in my parents eye? The Love they had never felt before they laid their eyes on this new, little life they brought into the world? When they held me …was it everything they expected or did they wish, in all reality they could actually just wish and make it all go away….Make ME go away?

I know if I truly ..truly had a do-over – as selfish as it sounds. I’d have removed the pain from all that was involved and I’d never have existed.

This so-called life I prefer to call a shit-storm…has truly been zero to celebrate.

I don’t have those childhood “yay” moments. Those “happy” days of yesteryear. Those times to say “I wish I could go back and relive that”

Most of the time …I either don’t remember at all  – OR If I do…I want to forget…Forget EVERY single, aching, heart wrenching moment. Not just the ones that were brought onto me…but, the ones that I brought onto others.

Those others who actually reached out and loved me. There was those who did. – and, I DO recognize my selfish behavior and attitude through this writing…through these words. It just cant be bottled up any longer.

I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t expected. I was a mistake.

Once you hear those words…They never leave you.

What happened after that – the years to follow – the ones I remember – only paraded in what was the exact reason in why I never should have been born into this so-called beautiful life.

Ive been called fat, ugly, spoiled, selfish. Ive been told to move on, get over it, you’re useless, you’ll never get anywhere, you wont’re nothing.

After a while – believe it or not..You believe those things.

Was it really a surprise that I didn’t want to wake up half the time…just to be awake to wait to fall asleep that night – and repeat that same day over and over – 40 years later – here we are.

You can never be happy enough …when you are..Sadness shortly follows. When your sad, You’re always sadder. Or a whiner, downer, negative or a bummer. Which I totally get. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. That’s the part I don’t think most people get it.

But, its so much easier to blame it on the disease. Or “she missed a dose” ..”skipped her meds”, “took too many of her meds” …

Next breath, it’s “get over it – forget it..move on…You’re not the only one who got molested., its not the end of the world”

Newsflash…..No one asked you to listen. And, I didn’t ask for it to happen.

Newsflash number 2 — maybe it was easy for you to walk away – I never could have – maybe it was easy to just forget what happened because your guilt for whatever it is you feel you did or didn’t do would just dissipate and go away…well, it didn’t. And, I live with it everyday. Im glad you have a new life, a new family …and because of me – you left. So, you didn’t have to deal with me and MY issues.

I was a child.

And, ALL I EVER wanted …all I EVER needed was to be accepted..NOT abandoned. But, it is what it is. Because Im selfish …and, Its okay now.

My life is almost over and I wont have to wake up everyday with this pain..and You walked away a long time ago and raised another family – that didn’t have that drama and pain I did.

Hope you all had a good laugh. Or at least something to talk about.

That pedestal I put you on …. you deserved it for a time. part of you still does. Always will. But, I lost a huge part of the only part of me that I knew – when you walked away.

And, I was made to feel like It was my fault – Im just now realizing …it wasn’t MY fault at all. It was yours and yours alone.

And, One day – you’ll have to take responsibility for those choices you made. Because it affected all of us.

And it wasn’t fair. You didn’t suffer, You didn’t cry. Your whole life – was going on before you even walked out – how dare you make me want you or need you in my life so badly all this time? How dare you make this consume my life so much?

Not once have you EVER said sorry. It was just meant to be accepted.

It wasn’t acceptable. Period.

You don’t trade one for another…One child for another.

One family for another –

whether you’re happy or not – I get that. More than you know.

Ive accepted you more than anyone…but, Ive been the biggest fool and treated others badly because of the choices you made –

therefore deciding the choices I make – I was a child.

You hurt me…at the most vulnerable moment – and whether it upsets you or not – too bad.

I have EVERY right to tell you how I feel – Im not afraid anymore … If it wasn’t for your choices…maybe life would have turned out different..maybe I wouldn’t be alone right now – Maybe Id have made better choices..Maybe a lot of things…

But, I guess we’ll never know…because it was all lies. Every bit of it – since the day my eyes opened and my blue eyes shined.

Im sorry I was such a disappointment.

But, I was YOUR disappointment…YOUR choice …NOT mine.

and its not fair.


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I received my official letter of acceptance to college about a half hour ago so I will have my degree in Bachelors of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Creative Writing and Literature.
   I am very interested in “Beautiful Minds” social interactions with children w/ Mental Illness and their struggles to try to adapt into  a “Normal” world.

This is a little bit about what Im interested in and what I wish to accomplish in the following months – Im very open, honest with my likes, dislikes, opinions and feel that everyone is entitled to theirs, even if I don’t agree with it..and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, or violent towards someone, I agree VERY much with our Freedom of Speech. I ask simply and truthfully ONLY if someone doesn’t understand something I’ve said OR written ask me. I have no problem explaining myself. I wont get offended..or hurt. I wont break. And, I much rather us have a conversation about something ive said that may have upset you or may have been taken the wrong way or out of context because I rushed through a blog or a writing, or my thoughts were racing that day and my fingers couldn’t keep up with my brain that day – So, everyone was confused with what I was trying to get across for a point. Guess what Im trying to say IS this: Come to me and talk to me. Message me, Comment to me. DONT ASSUME I was being a jerk to you or mean to anyone. More than likely – I wasn’t. Its normally not in me to be that way. I am VERY passionate and very emotional about certain things and certain situations so, I can become very vocal about things at times and that is why Ive made it very clear that no one by any means is REQUIRED to read my blogs.
   I am a huge advocate for and against BULLYING. I am Support our Vets and Military highly. Thank you for your devotion, your sacrifice, what you’ve lost out of your own lives and taken away from your own families in order to keep others as well as my family and friends safe. There is no amount of words to say enough thank you’s to all of you and the Govt. as far as Im concerned doesn’t do enough to credit you, help you and/or pay you back for your service.I wish I had the money to take care of each and every one of you because I would and it would be the very first thing I did if I won the megabucks. God Bless You ALL! I support to the highest extent our elderly. I have ZERO tolerance for Elder abuse and feel that the Govt is also taking severe advantage of our elderly and will do everything in my power to try to give back when im able. Please lend a hand to an elderly neighbor or friend..even if its to ask if they need something at the grocery store. I 100% support the SPCA and Humane Society of America and around the world. I support all organizations that stand up for and against animal abuse, dog fighting/training, other animal fighting and puppy mills. As Bob Barker says: “Please help cut down on the unwanted pet population, Get your pet spayed or neutered!” Your Local Humane Society’s (usually) offer free or *high* discounted spay/neuter certificates for ALL income brackets. I support the Gay/Lesbian community and their fights for free living. I also feel that as a Christian – as long as we are treating others with respect and do not cast our beliefs onto those others, those people or persons have a right to their beliefs without persecution. I very much feel it is a “what is fair IS fair” kind of world with being a hypocrite. These are just a few of the things I believe in …and will fight for. I will never push my beliefs on another person..I might tell someone they are acting a fool or being immature if I feel they are being “ignorant” to a situation …and I will most definitely be vocal if violence or abuse is involved. 
   I strongly believe that in order to maintain some kind of Positivity in one’s life, you must involve and surround yourself with positive. And, other positive will follow and attract itself to you and those around you. In the same sense, If you are negative, follow negative people and actions, it will corrupt you like a dark cloud.
   I STRONGLY believe that we ALL have choices and that from the moment we are old enough to realize what a “conscious” mistake is and the consequences of those – we are responsible for our actions and as there is always room for improvement in anyone’s life, there is always mistakes that will be made, BUT, there is also no excuse for repeating bad decisions and choices then questioning the negative outcome from them.
   I believe that this world is and has become a very scary, hard and trying place for children and adults to grow in. If I was able to have children and at the child-bearing age (now) – I would make the conscious choice to NOT have children as much as I love them and it would break my heart.
   The reason – because in my opinion I feel it is selfish to bring a child into a world with so much hate, violence, poverty, loss of education, lazy parenting and dysfunctional families that have repeated bad behaviors instead of learning from them and doing the opposite.
   I have seen bad kids come from the best of families and great kids come from the worst of them. So, again it ALL goes back to those choices.
   Those will be my greatest accomplishments, where I gain my added courage and strength from, and learn more each day when I work with these children who are prisoners in their own beautiful minds.
   I was a child just the same – when we suffer a trauma – it has been proven that it stunts our growth emotionally at that age of the event.
   We need more teachers, more counselors (that HEAR, not just listen), more therapists, more social workers that fight to help in the moment and make things happen before [its TOO late] .. We need more advocates for our children, more people that want to help, lend a hand and be their voice AND HEAR what they are saying to them, feel their emotion, listen to their gut feelings about situations when they are in-home or in-office. There is zero excuse and I have zero tolerance for these children that are being thrown under the rug or being told to “get over it” and the days pass by turn into months, years and they weaken to become productive adults because the system or someone who didn’t have the time for them failed them.
   These adult children, and children alike are NOT nor ever have been broken. They may have been or are lost – but, they can always be found. Its time the electronic devices, GPS’s and cellphones are put away – and some actual foot work is used & followed and they have someone to walk “beside” them NOT ahead or behind.
   Parents and young adults, teenagers who think babies are cute for about ten minutes – OR that it will keep the boyfriend in their life if they get pregnant, OR they got pregnant (on accident) – ALL COP-OUTS, and excuses for immaturity and irresponsibility. It is NOT these children’s CHOICE to be brought into this world. It is YOURS. Remember that – and remember it is a lifelong commitment ..not just 18 years. Parents need to start taking responsibility for their “bratty kids” – because they learned it from watching you ..OR lack there of. – Meaning, Get up, go outside with your kids, throw a ball around, kick one around. Go see a movie. Ride a bike. Fact is, 85% of children at the age of 11 DO NOT even know how to ride a bike as of 2013! Unbelievable and amazing to me. Now, Auburn Elementary Schools are not teaching “cursive” writing to their students anymore because its Not necessary. Hmmm. I really don’t even know how to respond to that – except – I will say this, I heard this from a relative who has children in school there…and I have friends with other children in the same school, same grade and they weren’t even AWARE of this. They aren’t bad parents, They are actually very involved with their, is this something that the teachers/superintendents and principal are just neglecting to tell the parents because they think it don’t matter? OR Are there parents out there that just don’t care? I care…The reason I was told that they aren’t teaching cursive writing anymore is because they wont need it since everything is pretty much typed.
   Someone made a great point…we have to “sign” our names on how many documents a lifetime?
   Other than the fact that the next generation that will be coming into school – wont even know what cursive writing is – unless they read or see it online – so it will have to be explained to them – and then pretty soon they wont be teaching regular penmanship.
   Where does this leave our Art programs?
   Basically, I hear and listen to a lot of parents complain how their kids are lazy, piss and moan all the time – and I wonder where they get it from?! Actually, I know where they get it from. Their lazy, pissing and moaning parents that made the CHOICE to bring them into this world for whatever reason at the time – and they were cute for about 10 minutes until they realized that the grandparents raised their kids and weren’t going to raise THEIR kids for them – and they actually had to do it on their own. The teen or young mothers realized that the boyfriend didn’t stick around because he wasn’t ready to be a dad or get away from his Call of Duty game and stop smoking his weed or get a real job because selling his pills were easier money. So the young mothers self-esteem went down the drain because all her dreams got lost. So, she didn’t finish school, chose not to go out and find that help that’s available to these people out there so you can make something of your life for you and child. Hence, the cycle continues..and continues and continues.
   Your kids are brats because quite frankly You’re a brat. Your kids are mouthy..because they mirror what they see and hear. If your staying in an abusive relationship because you think its better for the kids…DONT. Its not. You are not helping them, you are hurting them. If you think your kids are “too young to understand” .. believe me, they aren’t. They hear everything and they get it. Get it more than you do probably and some of these kids are smarter than some of you parents are. Sorry for the blunt attitude but, When I speak – its from mistakes of my own, personal experiences, and situations I’ve seen happen that aggravate me and inspire me to be making the decisions in my life now to do what Im doing and become who im becoming instead of sitting and wishing I was doing it.
   The saying is true that I much rather be hated for being truthful and blunt, than being two-faced. Im not always right, Im not perfect, I can admit when I’m wrong. At the same time, when I listen..I HEAR. Huge difference people..between listening and hearing. HUGE! With this I will end what I thought would be a short entry – to introduce my intent on what I wanted to do with my schooling and ideas for my book that Im in hopes of having published by the Summer. I will be writing daily in my blog at which will be directly linked also through my Facebook page. You are more than welcome to read and comment on my Blog. My opinions are my own, not those of anyone else’s. I will make it very clear now that I know for some people it is hard to understand what people mean when they type on the internet so I will try to type as clearly as possible for those who are and will be reading regularly. Im excited and looking forward to your feedback. I do not believe you have to be a member of WordPress in order to comment and/or give feedback on my Blog entries. For those of you who don’t know what a “Blog” is – its an online Journal. Also, I want to make this clear before the writing begins – Not everything I will be writing about will be about me, someone I know or how Im feeling. It might be a journal entry from 20 yrs ago that I found and I want to re-post or share. I may have had a convo with someone and I am channeling THEIR energy. Lastly, and it bothers me that I have to stress this AND say this..AND I feel that I ALWAYS am repeating myself and this is where the “HEARING” part comes into play versus just listening ..or in this case, Reading, since its on the computer. Not ALL things that I write about will be Fiction, Non-Fiction or Biography. It may be made up, about someone else – and it may sound like something “Familiar” to a family member of mine or a friend of mine ..and you may think that whoever is being spoken about in the story is YOU, OR someone else – Ten times out TEN…its NOT none of the above …and again this goes back to being blunt and brutally honest.. If I have something to say – I WILL say it to YOU. I will not beat around the bush and type it story. If I have a PERSONAL story that I want to print – that may be VERY personal – to share publicly – I will ask your permission first – IF you should be involved. Otherwise names will be involved and ALL rights to these stories are mine AND mine ONLY. They are not to be copied, re-printed OR shared..unless my permission is given and I am asked. But, I will save some time and tell everyone ahead of time now that No family stories – or stories involving my relatives WILL be allowed to be shared and are copywritten and owned by me and your comments are and will also be protected to the fullest extent as my pages, blogs and Facebook is Private.
   No pictures are to be shared please – Unless they aren’t owned by me and are from Google or the internet. – If the pictures are connected to a story – You can right click on that picture, go to the option where it says “save picture” and save it to wherever you wish to on your own computer. Hope that helps! :)
   Look Forward to our time together in the weeks and months ahead and for those family and friends who are going to be beside me following my progress – Im very excited and anxious to have you by my side to share all this with you. Thank you for your support, kindness and inspiration. You have no idea how much your comments, kind words and just everything has helped and how I look forward to reading everyday. It makes it that much more worth getting up and logging online in the morning and everytime I turn the computer on. I hope it continues!
   Love and Hugs! x0x