Can you hear me?

black sheep

Screw posting this on my wall for ONE day…Id post this on my wall for a lifetime until just ONE PERSON gets it – Gets it that its not about them – its about the person whose suffering with this illness. You call it selfish the way we, who… have mental illness act – Well, Ill be brutally honest with you – I call it exhausting, lonely, embarrassing and isolating. And, I also know that most of us who have a mental illness – the one thing that we do pride ourselves in – and try extremely hard at ….IS: trying NOT to be a burden on those we love and those who love US. We are just taught and learn that we cannot love others until we learn to love ourselves. And, if you call that selfish – then I believe there is something wrong with YOU. I believe that is one of the most SELF-LESS actions any one person can do for themselves and/or anyone close to them. When we isolate, want to be alone, or need to “remove ourselves from as situation” its because we become overwhelmed with something that may have triggered us I.E. : reminded us of something that has happened to us in the past – that has caused a trauma or bad memory. We don’t do this on purpose, to cause a fight, cause a scene, attempt to attract attention, OR be a drama queen or king. AND YES FOR FUCKS SAKE we took our meds, we didn’t miss a dose and if we didn’t…its none of your fucking business! Worry about yourself. Some of you act like we belong In the high towers of castles, hidden deep away from civilization. Did you know that years ago that’s what they did to children born with downs syndrome, children who had seizures, autism, “imaginary friends”, or who “acted different”, odd or not up to societies standards. That is where “Gargoyles” originated from – In England and the U.K. Families who owned large homes, would have these made as tradition told – that when a woman bore a child of mental illness of any kind, that child wasn’t to be spoken of and banished. To keep the child from suffering any bullying or the pain that they would endure back those so many years ago – Their parents would put these children …Children, and young adults like me, others like me and so many others that I know like me – into rooms far a top their homes – and have Gargoyles made  and places on their homes for protection from evil. Many people then associated Gargoyles with evil themselves. Because of what they stood for …instead of knowing the full story … so, again..this stigma started years ago – Eons ago. I guess my point is – We’ve come far in the Mental Illness field. Im so blessed to be studying in it. I always knew I was different..Most of the time I didn’t mind it. I tried to make the best of it. Tried to enjoy the manic highs..but, always knew they wouldn’t last for very long, and shortly after followed the manic lows. Which consisted of very sad days, angered moments and deep, unexplained loneliness that was mostly shrugged off and pacified with “Just get over it” I wish it had been that easy. Im not saying that we need to be babied. No one wants that. Trust me. No one wants to be walked about around on Egg Shells either. If you have a question ask it. But, don’t pretend to like us because we’re different.  Don’t dislike us because we are either. Give us a chance to show you who we are without being judged for someone out of our control. We cant help our emotions no more than I can help having Diabetes Or James Taylor can help being an awesome Singer/Songwriter. Thank you to my friend, Mandee for posting this on my FB. This is One of the many reasons I love you so much ..and surround myself with friends just like you – Aside from the fact that you are one of a kind..always will be, You are 100% real, never throw stones, are truthful, loyal and genuine. I don’t have to worry about anything Id ever say or do being thrown in my face 8 months later – after you hugged me tomorrow for being proud of me and a great person. Being confused by emotion and idiotic two-faced people isn’t fun for me – and I don’t understand it – especially when it happens and those people don’t take responsibility for their actions – I guess they expect that everyone will believe their stories because ..well, afterall – Us, Crazy people…are….Well, Fuckin Crazy! – Love and Hugs x0x

Im not afraid anymore – Of being Your disappointment.

Image

I don’t get it. I never have. I don’t know if I ever will.

Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, stretched my arms and yawned for the very first time …I wonder…

Was I the bright star in my parents eye? The Love they had never felt before they laid their eyes on this new, little life they brought into the world? When they held me …was it everything they expected or did they wish, in all reality they could actually just wish and make it all go away….Make ME go away?

I know if I truly ..truly had a do-over – as selfish as it sounds. I’d have removed the pain from all that was involved and I’d never have existed.

This so-called life I prefer to call a shit-storm…has truly been zero to celebrate.

I don’t have those childhood “yay” moments. Those “happy” days of yesteryear. Those times to say “I wish I could go back and relive that”

Most of the time …I either don’t remember at all  – OR If I do…I want to forget…Forget EVERY single, aching, heart wrenching moment. Not just the ones that were brought onto me…but, the ones that I brought onto others.

Those others who actually reached out and loved me. There was those who did. – and, I DO recognize my selfish behavior and attitude through this writing…through these words. It just cant be bottled up any longer.

I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t expected. I was a mistake.

Once you hear those words…They never leave you.

What happened after that – the years to follow – the ones I remember – only paraded in what was the exact reason in why I never should have been born into this so-called beautiful life.

Ive been called fat, ugly, spoiled, selfish. Ive been told to move on, get over it, you’re useless, you’ll never get anywhere, you wont succeed..you’re nothing.

After a while – believe it or not..You believe those things.

Was it really a surprise that I didn’t want to wake up half the time…just to be awake to wait to fall asleep that night – and repeat that same day over and over – 40 years later – here we are.

You can never be happy enough …when you are..Sadness shortly follows. When your sad, You’re always sadder. Or a whiner, downer, negative or a bummer. Which I totally get. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. That’s the part I don’t think most people get it.

But, its so much easier to blame it on the disease. Or “she missed a dose” ..”skipped her meds”, “took too many of her meds” …

Next breath, it’s “get over it – forget it..move on…You’re not the only one who got molested., its not the end of the world”

Newsflash…..No one asked you to listen. And, I didn’t ask for it to happen.

Newsflash number 2 — maybe it was easy for you to walk away – I never could have – maybe it was easy to just forget what happened because your guilt for whatever it is you feel you did or didn’t do would just dissipate and go away…well, it didn’t. And, I live with it everyday. Im glad you have a new life, a new family …and because of me – you left. So, you didn’t have to deal with me and MY issues.

I was a child.

And, ALL I EVER wanted …all I EVER needed was to be accepted..NOT abandoned. But, it is what it is. Because Im selfish …and, Its okay now.

My life is almost over and I wont have to wake up everyday with this pain..and You walked away a long time ago and raised another family – that didn’t have that drama and pain I did.

Hope you all had a good laugh. Or at least something to talk about.

That pedestal I put you on …. you deserved it for a time. part of you still does. Always will. But, I lost a huge part of the only part of me that I knew – when you walked away.

And, I was made to feel like It was my fault – Im just now realizing …it wasn’t MY fault at all. It was yours and yours alone.

And, One day – you’ll have to take responsibility for those choices you made. Because it affected all of us.

And it wasn’t fair. You didn’t suffer, You didn’t cry. Your whole life – was going on before you even walked out – how dare you make me want you or need you in my life so badly all this time? How dare you make this consume my life so much?

Not once have you EVER said sorry. It was just meant to be accepted.

It wasn’t acceptable. Period.

You don’t trade one for another…One child for another.

One family for another –

whether you’re happy or not – I get that. More than you know.

Ive accepted you more than anyone…but, Ive been the biggest fool and treated others badly because of the choices you made –

therefore deciding the choices I make – I was a child.

You hurt me…at the most vulnerable moment – and whether it upsets you or not – too bad.

I have EVERY right to tell you how I feel – Im not afraid anymore … If it wasn’t for your choices…maybe life would have turned out different..maybe I wouldn’t be alone right now – Maybe Id have made better choices..Maybe a lot of things…

But, I guess we’ll never know…because it was all lies. Every bit of it – since the day my eyes opened and my blue eyes shined.

Im sorry I was such a disappointment.

But, I was YOUR disappointment…YOUR choice …NOT mine.

and its not fair.