Thoughts of a Manic Mind

I think I need a hug. Is it okay to admit I need a hug? Is it okay to show vulnerability..when others see strength in you all the time? Is okay to miss your daughter – when she’s been so mean you’re almost at the point that you just have just froze to the feelings of accepting “sorrys” – I take that back …I don’t remember a truthful, one time Sorry ever really come out of her mouth. In the last …few years …All I ever remember is finger pointing, being treated like one of her friends, and watching everyone else treat her like crap – and then me picking up the pieces, wiping away the tears, and when it happens again – The scapegoat that I am – somehow ends up right here..back in the trash pile. Its hard to NOT be the downer when your emotions are all down. Its hard to smile when all you want to do is frown. Its easy to give good advice when others lives or situations hit so close to home and you sympathize so deeply with the pain a parent can go through as they feel their child slipping away. I know Ive never been perfect..many will tell you that. Im sure if asked – many would have much much much to say – and to be quite honest – I gave up a very long time ago caring about what people thought. The only opinions Ive ever cared about – were my Mom’s, My brothers and my childrens – biological and blood. Okay, I lied. I have a handful of friends, whom I shall call my angels who have accepted me for me, walked beside me, laughed with me (not at me), not one have I ever questioned their intentions on why they would even want to be a part of my life – when I haven’t got much to offer..except maybe a good laugh or a life experience story that may help them get through a hard time. – During these times…Ive realized and learned that when others reach other to us – we need them as much as they need us. What Im finding now …is that ive always been the black sheep. This isn’t front page news. This isn’t new. This isn’t something Ive just found out …ive known it. We all have things in our lives that we aren’t proud of, things that made us sad, things we have said or done we aren’t that impressed by …things others who mean a great deal to us – who have done the same – and we’ve all hidden behind behind walls or shadows of the person or people we once were in a whole different life or a life close to us that we still long very much to part of. The question still remains….what went wrong and where did I get off the track? Ive always taught my daughter…and her brother and sisters that we all have CHOICES. Those choices affect  us throughout our life. Good or Bad. They have consequences. I have watched them make some good ones. I have watched them make bad ones. I walked beside them during most. I was always the easiest and most understanding between their father and myself – Teaching that our choices held consequences. And, if we chose to make these choices…to expect those consequences to bite you in the ass in the end..and 10 times out of 10…there was no way of getting around the outcome. When we make decisions, choices or conscious mistakes…(meaning: we know that mistake or decision is WRONG before we make it) – then we should expect that more than likely – the outcome is followed by Karma and we need to prepare for the consequences. We need to be an adult and stand up and be an adult and realize that because we didn’t care at the moment about those consequences…that we now need to care about how those end consequences are not only going to affect us – but, those around us. Whether its our parents, our friends, Our own family, our own children…our work…school etc. Its like  a game of dominos. Once one falls…they all do. Some people care…some just watch them over and over again. I try to surround myself with people who THINK before they make those bad choices. But, again …No one is perfect. Another is Karma…what most people don’t get is that with karma…It don’t always go against the person who is doing the bad…it usually affects someone THEY love. And, badly. Ive realized just in the last few years, how age makes you grow more – think more and cherish more. You happen to shake your head at dumbasses, roll your eyes at those who take things for granted…and try very hard to keep your mouth shut to those who think they know it all – because in the end, people need to learn for themselves these life lessons. No one ever said it wasn’t okay to try to guide someone in a different direction when You’ve seen it happen to someone you love and have a bad result, Happen to you and have an even worse result – Or happen to a complete stranger and end up tragically. Ive never understood why people care to talk about or feel sad, or badly about a situation that death is the outcome from something totally preventable – when it could have been talked about BEFORE hand. Yet, its always the topic of conversation the minute AFTER. How many times does something HAVE TO HAPPEN before we realize that some things – need to be discussed – no matter if the audience, young or old, wants to roll their eyes, fall asleep, Or just think they know it all. Out of that group….I can guarantee – There will be a majority of people that are interested and there will be those who will HEAR it and pass it along. Id give anything in this world to turn back time and have the days where my daughter smiled everyday. Where we’d spend hours talking about nothing…watch movies, laugh for no reason. Make French toast on Sunday Mornings…When Id invite her friends over for dinner and make them all a stuffed chicken breast with all the fixings and have a movie night where they all picked a number at the door when they got there – and whoever won – got a gift basket Carly picked out from Bath and Body Works!…Id give back every smile – for a day up at camp with my girl – riding the back roads with dad – looking for deer and moose – holding her tight and sleeping in the tent – and painting on pieces of wood. There were times when I thought I was doing something wrong back then…That I wasn’t giving enough attention and after her dad died..I wasn’t quite sure Id be enough …until the holidays – like Fathers Day – Or his birthday when Id get Fathers’ Day cards from all the kids – and hers would say “Thank you for being both mom and dad” Sometimes Id like to say “Id love to have a re-do…but, do I really?” Sometimes I want to go back in time and ask Kelly “what am I doing wrong? ….Such a huge part of me – will tell me that Ive done nothing wrong.Everyone has their opinion of us…him and I. The ones that truly knew us…Knew and knows that when we hated each other ..we hated. But, when we loved – there was nothing deeper and respected me for the parenting I did do. He knew I tried my best – especially towards the end. He never would have accepted the attitude of anyone taking advantage of me. He never would allow anyone to treat me badly – That was his job (lol) and he most certainly did not condone his children to treat their mothers with disrespect. Nor did he allow anyone to be disrespectful in front of his children. I admired that about him. Through the butting of our heads…through our arguing, loving hard and loving soft….I admired that most. I miss the safety he gave …although at his hardest – the fear I felt was overwhelming, debilitating and outrageously destructive. Ive lived with the deepest of regrets that my children lost their father when they did – at any time of their live wouldn’t have mattered..No child should lose a parent. So many questions unanswered, so much pain to try diminish or make easier..a joy to try to explain to young children when you donate organs to other families to save their loved ones and teach your children that its okay to feel the grief of losing their father – to save another life. And, the understanding. So many questions, so many unanswered. So many tears. So much anger and reasons to just give up. But, you cant. Being a parent …you cant. You must use what strength you have – no matter the amount…and, with full force move forward. Hope they understand know with every inch of your being that everything you’re doing is with their best interest at heart. I love these children – each one ..not one more than another, just each one in their own special ways. Im so very proud of each of them. So proud of who they’ve become. Through their struggles, trials, laughs, smiles and tears…they are probably some of the strongest people I know. Im so blessed an glad they are mine and grateful their mothers have allowed me in their lives and have let me call them mine. Compassion and watching your children grow, learn and excel into the adults that you once were quite sure they’d grasp onto the concept of what the true meaning of certain criteria when put into situations that they must learn to either choose to walk away or deal with in an adult manner – as to teach their own children right from wrong..yet, also let them know that they have the right to voice their opinions on subjects that are important to them – is yet, another scary reality. Especially in this world. Ive said and its been said, “it takes a village to raise a child” – I think it takes a whole task force. It don’t matter where we are, where we live, who our kids choose as friends, who we choose as friends. There will ALWAYS be someone in the midst that isn’t what we expect…that isn’t up to par or who is shady in some way and those people are tests in some way to challenge and/or channel our inner strength to make sure we can survive the hardships that might come our way. The biggest thing and I guess my whole point to this was – I am truly blessed with those who have entered my life, Those who have been in my life, Those who have stayed in my life, Those who encourage me – those who walk beside me (not ahead or behind) and those who treat me with the greatest of respect and enjoy the good and even the not so good times. Cherish those around you. Let those who have left you – leave. Cherish them still. Never forget where you came from or who you’ve learned from. Love much and love often. Cry if you must but make those tears count. – Hug often and never let go even after your arms leave each other. Continue holding hands after miles separate …and dance like no ones watching. Always love your children – even when they don’t want it or act like little shits. Even when they treat you badly – you’ll always be their scapegoat, their sounding board and the ones that are suppose to pick them up when they fall down. This does not mean to enable bad behavior, be treated with disrespect, or hurt. Pain will always be a part of life – but, when you are treated better by worse people than those closest to you – those situations need to be re-evaluated. Love with all you have, Forgive with what You’ve been given and teach with an open mind. Life is a lesson, we learn it when we’re through. Love and Hugs x0x