Owning our wrongs – Accepting our Differences


Someone apologized to me today for something they had said. Something I don’t even think they quite understood they said or the meaning in which it had been taken. Those are the people who I commend in the end. The ones that can “own” something that whether or not they “think” OR actually want to attach a belief to what they’ve done or said is wrong or hurtful..They own it.

So, Thank you to this lost soul. I know you’re searching and lost a lot of the time. I’ve been there also. I am there also. You used the word “Scapegoat” …

That You used me as your Scapegoat..I accept your apology and I don’t think I’m your scapegoat..I just think when you’re around me, you don’t feel that alone. I kinda get it now.

You gained some respect with me this morning. Thank you.


“Run your fingers through my soul.  For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”  Oscar Wilde


Sundays without Coffee.

I don’t know what is worse…Waking up after not sleeping, or waking up and after making a beautiful smelling pot of coffee – realizing you have ZERO creamer. Not even a stitch of milk.

Well, You will not win you little 1/2 & 1/2 stealing demons that are floating around in my house. Or maybe those are just remnants from my head that I enjoy blaming on something else. Either way..I cannot concentrate without coffee.

So, much of this may be rambling to some of you. Much of this may be perfection.

Honestly at this point..I don’t give a crap much. :)

and I do mean that with the greatest of love. I hope I mentioned when I began this blog that the blunt side of me runneth over and I use incorrect spelling, bad spelling and the wrong use of of wording [on purpose]

it keeps people on their toes and also gives you a reason to scratch your head and wonder if possibly I’m as crazy as I’ve been labeled OR maybe I just do it on purpose to be a complete Ass! You can decide…because honestly and quite frankly..I don’t care.

Once we’ve bonded and you’ve gotten to know me a bit better, you will realize that I’m actually a really nice person..with just a huge quirky attitude of not caring about what others think one day and then being very sensitive to their mean, shittiness the next.

My attitude is by no means directed to those who choose to read my blogs or postings.

please understand that. :)

I actually appreciate the fact that anyone would want to turn the channel onto mine and tune into my bizarre sense of humor, my slightly intimidating character flaws towards over-reacting when im out of coffee or my pencil lead breaks and how the smell of puppy breath completely makes my heart smile.

Im just a beautiful mess in a beautiful word full of beautiful people that are all crazy in our own ways.

89% of us don’t want to admit it though for fear of being cast aside.

The other 11% don’t give a flying fat rats ass..and those are the ones that I want to hear from the most – because I think we can persuade the others to start to feel better inside themselves and even if its not for any other reason but, to say what they think without worrying about fallback or being castrated emotionally or verbally abused by some schmuck who thinks they know more than we do – Because we ALL matter. Our opinions matter and we have a right to say how we feel and our voice heard.

Did I ever mention that there is a HUGE difference between Listening and Hearing?

Remind me to get into that subject sometime…

You might find it hugely interesting.

You might want to tell me to shut the hell up.

Either way …at least we’ll be communicating :)

Oh, so, on a quick note..I joined Twitter! haha. I always said, “I’ll NEVER join that thing..all it is ..is a bunch of my daughters friends and their friends and their friends (you get the point) using it as free therapy to bitch, piss and moan about their boyfriend/girlfriends, and post pictures about their drug use, and the parties they went to the night before ..or while they are at them.”

Soo, that right there…Way to go Twitter…never impressed me much.

Until I decided ..like everything else in life..we need to pick and choose our battles – and associate with those who bring positive to our lives versus the b.S. that we don’t want to see or hear about.

My issue right now is getting overwhelmed with 400 social sites that Ive now joined..because hell, if you join one, then that one wants you to “connect” to another …then another, then another etc. etc. Its kinda amazing and inspiring when you really think about it – but, once you start getting into the gist of it – its quite (as I said before) Overwhelming.

Sooo..I sit here waiting for my creamer – so, I can have my coffee that my neighbor so nicely went and got for me – and as I look out the window and watch him pull in – I realize how psychological it all really, truly is for me.

Just knowing that coffee will be entering my soul in about 5 minutes – makes me a happier person.

I hope you all enjoyed this useless info.

I will have another posting for you lovelies later today (if not sooner) that actually has much more substance to it.

In the meantime ..I do invite you to join me on Twitter.


The Last Breath


In this world of change, sadness and violence. It is easy to lose concentration of the simpler times and things that are important.

It is easy to find ourselves complaining about things that at one time never really mattered that much to us or consumed so much of our time.

We can get sucked into drama, wrapped up into the negative and surrounded by darkness.

What are your feelings about dealing with stress and/or anxiety?

When you feel like giving up, do you isolate or do you find solace in a special place or with a special person OR do you find yourself a nuisance to those around you?

Remember [on a side note-from me to you] You’re stronger than you think and You’re not alone 🙂

Love and Hugs x0x

Take Our Poll

I received my official letter of acceptance to college about a half hour ago so I will have my degree in Bachelors of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Creative Writing and Literature.
   I am very interested in “Beautiful Minds” social interactions with children w/ Mental Illness and their struggles to try to adapt into  a “Normal” world.

This is a little bit about what Im interested in and what I wish to accomplish in the following months – Im very open, honest with my likes, dislikes, opinions and feel that everyone is entitled to theirs, even if I don’t agree with it..and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, or violent towards someone, I agree VERY much with our Freedom of Speech. I ask simply and truthfully ONLY if someone doesn’t understand something I’ve said OR written ..to ask me. I have no problem explaining myself. I wont get offended..or hurt. I wont break. And, I much rather us have a conversation about something ive said that may have upset you or may have been taken the wrong way or out of context because I rushed through a blog or a writing, or my thoughts were racing that day and my fingers couldn’t keep up with my brain that day – So, everyone was confused with what I was trying to get across for a point. Guess what Im trying to say IS this: Come to me and talk to me. Message me, Comment to me. DONT ASSUME I was being a jerk to you or mean to anyone. More than likely – I wasn’t. Its normally not in me to be that way. I am VERY passionate and very emotional about certain things and certain situations so, I can become very vocal about things at times and that is why Ive made it very clear that no one by any means is REQUIRED to read my blogs.
   I am a huge advocate for and against BULLYING. I am Support our Vets and Military highly. Thank you for your devotion, your sacrifice, what you’ve lost out of your own lives and taken away from your own families in order to keep others as well as my family and friends safe. There is no amount of words to say enough thank you’s to all of you and the Govt. as far as Im concerned doesn’t do enough to credit you, help you and/or pay you back for your service.I wish I had the money to take care of each and every one of you because I would and it would be the very first thing I did if I won the megabucks. God Bless You ALL! I support to the highest extent our elderly. I have ZERO tolerance for Elder abuse and feel that the Govt is also taking severe advantage of our elderly and will do everything in my power to try to give back when im able. Please lend a hand to an elderly neighbor or friend..even if its to ask if they need something at the grocery store. I 100% support the SPCA and Humane Society of America and around the world. I support all organizations that stand up for and against animal abuse, dog fighting/training, other animal fighting and puppy mills. As Bob Barker says: “Please help cut down on the unwanted pet population, Get your pet spayed or neutered!” Your Local Humane Society’s (usually) offer free or *high* discounted spay/neuter certificates for ALL income brackets. I support the Gay/Lesbian community and their fights for free living. I also feel that as a Christian – as long as we are treating others with respect and do not cast our beliefs onto those others, those people or persons have a right to their beliefs without persecution. I very much feel it is a “what is fair IS fair” kind of world with being a hypocrite. These are just a few of the things I believe in …and will fight for. I will never push my beliefs on another person..I might tell someone they are acting a fool or being immature if I feel they are being “ignorant” to a situation …and I will most definitely be vocal if violence or abuse is involved. 
   I strongly believe that in order to maintain some kind of Positivity in one’s life, you must involve and surround yourself with positive. And, other positive will follow and attract itself to you and those around you. In the same sense, If you are negative, follow negative people and actions, it will corrupt you like a dark cloud.
   I STRONGLY believe that we ALL have choices and that from the moment we are old enough to realize what a “conscious” mistake is and the consequences of those – we are responsible for our actions and as there is always room for improvement in anyone’s life, there is always mistakes that will be made, BUT, there is also no excuse for repeating bad decisions and choices then questioning the negative outcome from them.
   I believe that this world is and has become a very scary, hard and trying place for children and adults to grow in. If I was able to have children and at the child-bearing age (now) – I would make the conscious choice to NOT have children as much as I love them and it would break my heart.
   The reason – because in my opinion I feel it is selfish to bring a child into a world with so much hate, violence, poverty, loss of education, lazy parenting and dysfunctional families that have repeated bad behaviors instead of learning from them and doing the opposite.
   I have seen bad kids come from the best of families and great kids come from the worst of them. So, again it ALL goes back to those choices.
   Those will be my greatest accomplishments, where I gain my added courage and strength from, and learn more each day when I work with these children who are prisoners in their own beautiful minds.
   I was a child just the same – when we suffer a trauma – it has been proven that it stunts our growth emotionally at that age of the event.
   We need more teachers, more counselors (that HEAR, not just listen), more therapists, more social workers that fight to help in the moment and make things happen before [its TOO late] .. We need more advocates for our children, more people that want to help, lend a hand and be their voice AND HEAR what they are saying to them, feel their emotion, listen to their gut feelings about situations when they are in-home or in-office. There is zero excuse and I have zero tolerance for these children that are being thrown under the rug or being told to “get over it” and the days pass by turn into months, years and they weaken to become productive adults because the system or someone who didn’t have the time for them failed them.
   These adult children, and children alike are NOT nor ever have been broken. They may have been or are lost – but, they can always be found. Its time the electronic devices, GPS’s and cellphones are put away – and some actual foot work is used & followed and they have someone to walk “beside” them NOT ahead or behind.
   Parents and young adults, teenagers who think babies are cute for about ten minutes – OR that it will keep the boyfriend in their life if they get pregnant, OR they got pregnant (on accident) – ALL COP-OUTS, and excuses for immaturity and irresponsibility. It is NOT these children’s CHOICE to be brought into this world. It is YOURS. Remember that – and remember it is a lifelong commitment ..not just 18 years. Parents need to start taking responsibility for their “bratty kids” – because they learned it from watching you ..OR lack there of. – Meaning, Get up, go outside with your kids, throw a ball around, kick one around. Go see a movie. Ride a bike. Fact is, 85% of children at the age of 11 DO NOT even know how to ride a bike as of 2013! Unbelievable and amazing to me. Now, Auburn Elementary Schools are not teaching “cursive” writing to their students anymore because its Not necessary. Hmmm. I really don’t even know how to respond to that – except – I will say this, I heard this from a relative who has children in school there…and I have friends with other children in the same school, same grade and they weren’t even AWARE of this. They aren’t bad parents, They are actually very involved with their children..so, is this something that the teachers/superintendents and principal are just neglecting to tell the parents because they think it don’t matter? OR Are there parents out there that just don’t care? I care…The reason I was told that they aren’t teaching cursive writing anymore is because they wont need it since everything is pretty much typed.
   Someone made a great point…we have to “sign” our names on how many documents a lifetime?
   Other than the fact that the next generation that will be coming into school – wont even know what cursive writing is – unless they read or see it online – so it will have to be explained to them – and then pretty soon they wont be teaching regular penmanship.
   Where does this leave our Art programs?
   Basically, I hear and listen to a lot of parents complain how their kids are lazy, piss and moan all the time – and I wonder where they get it from?! Actually, I know where they get it from. Their lazy, pissing and moaning parents that made the CHOICE to bring them into this world for whatever reason at the time – and they were cute for about 10 minutes until they realized that the grandparents raised their kids and weren’t going to raise THEIR kids for them – and they actually had to do it on their own. The teen or young mothers realized that the boyfriend didn’t stick around because he wasn’t ready to be a dad or get away from his Call of Duty game and stop smoking his weed or get a real job because selling his pills were easier money. So the young mothers self-esteem went down the drain because all her dreams got lost. So, she didn’t finish school, chose not to go out and find that help that’s available to these people out there so you can make something of your life for you and child. Hence, the cycle continues..and continues and continues.
   Your kids are brats because quite frankly You’re a brat. Your kids are mouthy..because they mirror what they see and hear. If your staying in an abusive relationship because you think its better for the kids…DONT. Its not. You are not helping them, you are hurting them. If you think your kids are “too young to understand” .. believe me, they aren’t. They hear everything and they get it. Get it more than you do probably and some of these kids are smarter than some of you parents are. Sorry for the blunt attitude but, When I speak – its from mistakes of my own, personal experiences, and situations I’ve seen happen that aggravate me and inspire me to be making the decisions in my life now to do what Im doing and become who im becoming instead of sitting and wishing I was doing it.
   The saying is true that I much rather be hated for being truthful and blunt, than being two-faced. Im not always right, Im not perfect, I can admit when I’m wrong. At the same time, when I listen..I HEAR. Huge difference people..between listening and hearing. HUGE! With this I will end what I thought would be a short entry – to introduce my intent on what I wanted to do with my schooling and ideas for my book that Im in hopes of having published by the Summer. I will be writing daily in my blog at nerdvana.wordpress.com which will be directly linked also through my Facebook page. You are more than welcome to read and comment on my Blog. My opinions are my own, not those of anyone else’s. I will make it very clear now that I know for some people it is hard to understand what people mean when they type on the internet so I will try to type as clearly as possible for those who are and will be reading regularly. Im excited and looking forward to your feedback. I do not believe you have to be a member of WordPress in order to comment and/or give feedback on my Blog entries. For those of you who don’t know what a “Blog” is – its an online Journal. Also, I want to make this clear before the writing begins – Not everything I will be writing about will be about me, someone I know or how Im feeling. It might be a journal entry from 20 yrs ago that I found and I want to re-post or share. I may have had a convo with someone and I am channeling THEIR energy. Lastly, and it bothers me that I have to stress this AND say this..AND I feel that I ALWAYS am repeating myself and this is where the “HEARING” part comes into play versus just listening ..or in this case, Reading, since its on the computer. Not ALL things that I write about will be Fiction, Non-Fiction or Biography. It may be made up, about someone else – and it may sound like something “Familiar” to a family member of mine or a friend of mine ..and you may think that whoever is being spoken about in the story is YOU, OR someone else – Ten times out TEN…its NOT none of the above …and again this goes back to being blunt and brutally honest.. If I have something to say – I WILL say it to YOU. I will not beat around the bush and type it story. If I have a PERSONAL story that I want to print – that may be VERY personal – to share publicly – I will ask your permission first – IF you should be involved. Otherwise ..no names will be involved and ALL rights to these stories are mine AND mine ONLY. They are not to be copied, re-printed OR shared..unless my permission is given and I am asked. But, I will save some time and tell everyone ahead of time now that No family stories – or stories involving my relatives WILL be allowed to be shared and are copywritten and owned by me and your comments are and will also be protected to the fullest extent as my pages, blogs and Facebook is Private.
   No pictures are to be shared please – Unless they aren’t owned by me and are from Google or the internet. – If the pictures are connected to a story – You can right click on that picture, go to the option where it says “save picture” and save it to wherever you wish to on your own computer. Hope that helps! :)
   Look Forward to our time together in the weeks and months ahead and for those family and friends who are going to be beside me following my progress – Im very excited and anxious to have you by my side to share all this with you. Thank you for your support, kindness and inspiration. You have no idea how much your comments, kind words and just everything has helped and how I look forward to reading everyday. It makes it that much more worth getting up and logging online in the morning and everytime I turn the computer on. I hope it continues!
   Love and Hugs! x0x