As I am, As I was — Broken then – Lost Now. Just a cloud above my head*

One look, the moment, the time.

Do you wish to leave, stay, wander?

Staying is optional. Leaving — forever.

Raining is an interruption optionally between heat and breeze.

Here then gone.

Go then come.

The back, the forth, only to confuse you.

Intertwine you. Tangle. Lose you.

It’s sometimes into an endless canvas of blue seas, skies and tears

On bright whites with no letters, no words, no time held onto. No memories.

No names.

Turning back – is that an option?

Do we need to? Do we want to? Possibly Rely to or Rely on it?

Things take time. Expanding within the corridors of each emotion, each touch. Never needing or using the choices leading us back to the beginning of forever.

It’s all just noise. After all, Leaving IS forever. Isn’t it?

Lightning only misses the thunder when it’s gone..bangs without bullets – distant dejavu’s.

No one believes a memory. Not even half a broken memory will leave you with the solace you should find while searching for the pieces that’s awoken you from a deepest sleep. It just haunts you with the words and pictures you wake with.

Dazed, confused.

Needing and wanting more.

For what ever reason — you can’t pull enough of the puzzle together to get it right..to make it whole.

You’re not broken, lost or tangled.

You’ve closed your eyes to the courage and strength to find whatever it is inside you’ve locked out your peace don’t want you to see..feel.

It’s left you behind.

But, is it really gone?

Did it really leave?

I’ve relived it more than once, Haven’t others?

Leaving isn’t an option ..

No, not always…and, my canvas isn’t always blue.

 

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When Dreams Came True and Were Endless*

There’s always going to be a reason “not to”.

To stop.

To Turn away.

Not begin.

To Stop.

Wait ——

You’re Not alone.

You’re NOT alone.

“Only if you choose to be”

Sometimes it’s easier to be.

In my misery it’s easier to be.

It’s a high cry.

It’s a low sigh.

Don’t Stop.

Turn back around.

Begin again.

Don’t Wait.

Choose to move forward.

You’re NOT alone.

The Last Breath

Some things just never change.
They just get deeper.
More intriguing and you find that you’re still trying to justify the fact that you don’t care at all that you’re 100% bat shit crazy. 🙂

In the Blink of my Mind

complaining

In this world of change, sadness and violence. It is easy to lose concentration of the simpler times and things that are important.

It is easy to find ourselves complaining about things that at one time never really mattered that much to us or consumed so much of our time.

We can get sucked into drama, wrapped up into the negative and surrounded by darkness.

What are your feelings about dealing with stress and/or anxiety?

When you feel like giving up, do you isolate or do you find solace in a special place or with a special person OR do you find yourself a nuisance to those around you?

Remember [on a side note-from me to you] You’re stronger than you think and You’re not alone 🙂

Love and Hugs x0x

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Can you hear me?

black sheep

Screw posting this on my wall for ONE day…Id post this on my wall for a lifetime until just ONE PERSON gets it – Gets it that its not about them – its about the person whose suffering with this illness. You call it selfish the way we, who… have mental illness act – Well, Ill be brutally honest with you – I call it exhausting, lonely, embarrassing and isolating. And, I also know that most of us who have a mental illness – the one thing that we do pride ourselves in – and try extremely hard at ….IS: trying NOT to be a burden on those we love and those who love US. We are just taught and learn that we cannot love others until we learn to love ourselves. And, if you call that selfish – then I believe there is something wrong with YOU. I believe that is one of the most SELF-LESS actions any one person can do for themselves and/or anyone close to them. When we isolate, want to be alone, or need to “remove ourselves from as situation” its because we become overwhelmed with something that may have triggered us I.E. : reminded us of something that has happened to us in the past – that has caused a trauma or bad memory. We don’t do this on purpose, to cause a fight, cause a scene, attempt to attract attention, OR be a drama queen or king. AND YES FOR FUCKS SAKE we took our meds, we didn’t miss a dose and if we didn’t…its none of your fucking business! Worry about yourself. Some of you act like we belong In the high towers of castles, hidden deep away from civilization. Did you know that years ago that’s what they did to children born with downs syndrome, children who had seizures, autism, “imaginary friends”, or who “acted different”, odd or not up to societies standards. That is where “Gargoyles” originated from – In England and the U.K. Families who owned large homes, would have these made as tradition told – that when a woman bore a child of mental illness of any kind, that child wasn’t to be spoken of and banished. To keep the child from suffering any bullying or the pain that they would endure back those so many years ago – Their parents would put these children …Children, and young adults like me, others like me and so many others that I know like me – into rooms far a top their homes – and have Gargoyles made  and places on their homes for protection from evil. Many people then associated Gargoyles with evil themselves. Because of what they stood for …instead of knowing the full story … so, again..this stigma started years ago – Eons ago. I guess my point is – We’ve come far in the Mental Illness field. Im so blessed to be studying in it. I always knew I was different..Most of the time I didn’t mind it. I tried to make the best of it. Tried to enjoy the manic highs..but, always knew they wouldn’t last for very long, and shortly after followed the manic lows. Which consisted of very sad days, angered moments and deep, unexplained loneliness that was mostly shrugged off and pacified with “Just get over it” I wish it had been that easy. Im not saying that we need to be babied. No one wants that. Trust me. No one wants to be walked about around on Egg Shells either. If you have a question ask it. But, don’t pretend to like us because we’re different.  Don’t dislike us because we are either. Give us a chance to show you who we are without being judged for someone out of our control. We cant help our emotions no more than I can help having Diabetes Or James Taylor can help being an awesome Singer/Songwriter. Thank you to my friend, Mandee for posting this on my FB. This is One of the many reasons I love you so much ..and surround myself with friends just like you – Aside from the fact that you are one of a kind..always will be, You are 100% real, never throw stones, are truthful, loyal and genuine. I don’t have to worry about anything Id ever say or do being thrown in my face 8 months later – after you hugged me tomorrow for being proud of me and a great person. Being confused by emotion and idiotic two-faced people isn’t fun for me – and I don’t understand it – especially when it happens and those people don’t take responsibility for their actions – I guess they expect that everyone will believe their stories because ..well, afterall – Us, Crazy people…are….Well, Fuckin Crazy! – Love and Hugs x0x

Thoughts of a Manic Mind

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I think I need a hug. Is it okay to admit I need a hug? Is it okay to show vulnerability..when others see strength in you all the time? Is okay to miss your daughter – when she’s been so mean you’re almost at the point that you just have just froze to the feelings of accepting “sorrys” – I take that back …I don’t remember a truthful, one time Sorry ever really come out of her mouth. In the last …few years …All I ever remember is finger pointing, being treated like one of her friends, and watching everyone else treat her like crap – and then me picking up the pieces, wiping away the tears, and when it happens again – The scapegoat that I am – somehow ends up right here..back in the trash pile. Its hard to NOT be the downer when your emotions are all down. Its hard to smile when all you want to do is frown. Its easy to give good advice when others lives or situations hit so close to home and you sympathize so deeply with the pain a parent can go through as they feel their child slipping away. I know Ive never been perfect..many will tell you that. Im sure if asked – many would have much much much to say – and to be quite honest – I gave up a very long time ago caring about what people thought. The only opinions Ive ever cared about – were my Mom’s, My brothers and my childrens – biological and blood. Okay, I lied. I have a handful of friends, whom I shall call my angels who have accepted me for me, walked beside me, laughed with me (not at me), not one have I ever questioned their intentions on why they would even want to be a part of my life – when I haven’t got much to offer..except maybe a good laugh or a life experience story that may help them get through a hard time. – During these times…Ive realized and learned that when others reach other to us – we need them as much as they need us. What Im finding now …is that ive always been the black sheep. This isn’t front page news. This isn’t new. This isn’t something Ive just found out …ive known it. We all have things in our lives that we aren’t proud of, things that made us sad, things we have said or done we aren’t that impressed by …things others who mean a great deal to us – who have done the same – and we’ve all hidden behind behind walls or shadows of the person or people we once were in a whole different life or a life close to us that we still long very much to part of. The question still remains….what went wrong and where did I get off the track? Ive always taught my daughter…and her brother and sisters that we all have CHOICES. Those choices affect  us throughout our life. Good or Bad. They have consequences. I have watched them make some good ones. I have watched them make bad ones. I walked beside them during most. I was always the easiest and most understanding between their father and myself – Teaching that our choices held consequences. And, if we chose to make these choices…to expect those consequences to bite you in the ass in the end..and 10 times out of 10…there was no way of getting around the outcome. When we make decisions, choices or conscious mistakes…(meaning: we know that mistake or decision is WRONG before we make it) – then we should expect that more than likely – the outcome is followed by Karma and we need to prepare for the consequences. We need to be an adult and stand up and be an adult and realize that because we didn’t care at the moment about those consequences…that we now need to care about how those end consequences are not only going to affect us – but, those around us. Whether its our parents, our friends, Our own family, our own children…our work…school etc. Its like  a game of dominos. Once one falls…they all do. Some people care…some just watch them over and over again. I try to surround myself with people who THINK before they make those bad choices. But, again …No one is perfect. Another is Karma…what most people don’t get is that with karma…It don’t always go against the person who is doing the bad…it usually affects someone THEY love. And, badly. Ive realized just in the last few years, how age makes you grow more – think more and cherish more. You happen to shake your head at dumbasses, roll your eyes at those who take things for granted…and try very hard to keep your mouth shut to those who think they know it all – because in the end, people need to learn for themselves these life lessons. No one ever said it wasn’t okay to try to guide someone in a different direction when You’ve seen it happen to someone you love and have a bad result, Happen to you and have an even worse result – Or happen to a complete stranger and end up tragically. Ive never understood why people care to talk about or feel sad, or badly about a situation that death is the outcome from something totally preventable – when it could have been talked about BEFORE hand. Yet, its always the topic of conversation the minute AFTER. How many times does something HAVE TO HAPPEN before we realize that some things – need to be discussed – no matter if the audience, young or old, wants to roll their eyes, fall asleep, Or just think they know it all. Out of that group….I can guarantee – There will be a majority of people that are interested and there will be those who will HEAR it and pass it along. Id give anything in this world to turn back time and have the days where my daughter smiled everyday. Where we’d spend hours talking about nothing…watch movies, laugh for no reason. Make French toast on Sunday Mornings…When Id invite her friends over for dinner and make them all a stuffed chicken breast with all the fixings and have a movie night where they all picked a number at the door when they got there – and whoever won – got a gift basket Carly picked out from Bath and Body Works!…Id give back every smile – for a day up at camp with my girl – riding the back roads with dad – looking for deer and moose – holding her tight and sleeping in the tent – and painting on pieces of wood. There were times when I thought I was doing something wrong back then…That I wasn’t giving enough attention and after her dad died..I wasn’t quite sure Id be enough …until the holidays – like Fathers Day – Or his birthday when Id get Fathers’ Day cards from all the kids – and hers would say “Thank you for being both mom and dad” Sometimes Id like to say “Id love to have a re-do…but, do I really?” Sometimes I want to go back in time and ask Kelly “what am I doing wrong? ….Such a huge part of me – will tell me that Ive done nothing wrong.Everyone has their opinion of us…him and I. The ones that truly knew us…Knew and knows that when we hated each other ..we hated. But, when we loved – there was nothing deeper and respected me for the parenting I did do. He knew I tried my best – especially towards the end. He never would have accepted the attitude of anyone taking advantage of me. He never would allow anyone to treat me badly – That was his job (lol) and he most certainly did not condone his children to treat their mothers with disrespect. Nor did he allow anyone to be disrespectful in front of his children. I admired that about him. Through the butting of our heads…through our arguing, loving hard and loving soft….I admired that most. I miss the safety he gave …although at his hardest – the fear I felt was overwhelming, debilitating and outrageously destructive. Ive lived with the deepest of regrets that my children lost their father when they did – at any time of their live wouldn’t have mattered..No child should lose a parent. So many questions unanswered, so much pain to try diminish or make easier..a joy to try to explain to young children when you donate organs to other families to save their loved ones and teach your children that its okay to feel the grief of losing their father – to save another life. And, the understanding. So many questions, so many unanswered. So many tears. So much anger and reasons to just give up. But, you cant. Being a parent …you cant. You must use what strength you have – no matter the amount…and, with full force move forward. Hope they understand know with every inch of your being that everything you’re doing is with their best interest at heart. I love these children – each one ..not one more than another, just each one in their own special ways. Im so very proud of each of them. So proud of who they’ve become. Through their struggles, trials, laughs, smiles and tears…they are probably some of the strongest people I know. Im so blessed an glad they are mine and grateful their mothers have allowed me in their lives and have let me call them mine. Compassion and watching your children grow, learn and excel into the adults that you once were quite sure they’d grasp onto the concept of what the true meaning of certain criteria when put into situations that they must learn to either choose to walk away or deal with in an adult manner – as to teach their own children right from wrong..yet, also let them know that they have the right to voice their opinions on subjects that are important to them – is yet, another scary reality. Especially in this world. Ive said and its been said, “it takes a village to raise a child” – I think it takes a whole task force. It don’t matter where we are, where we live, who our kids choose as friends, who we choose as friends. There will ALWAYS be someone in the midst that isn’t what we expect…that isn’t up to par or who is shady in some way and those people are tests in some way to challenge and/or channel our inner strength to make sure we can survive the hardships that might come our way. The biggest thing and I guess my whole point to this was – I am truly blessed with those who have entered my life, Those who have been in my life, Those who have stayed in my life, Those who encourage me – those who walk beside me (not ahead or behind) and those who treat me with the greatest of respect and enjoy the good and even the not so good times. Cherish those around you. Let those who have left you – leave. Cherish them still. Never forget where you came from or who you’ve learned from. Love much and love often. Cry if you must but make those tears count. – Hug often and never let go even after your arms leave each other. Continue holding hands after miles separate …and dance like no ones watching. Always love your children – even when they don’t want it or act like little shits. Even when they treat you badly – you’ll always be their scapegoat, their sounding board and the ones that are suppose to pick them up when they fall down. This does not mean to enable bad behavior, be treated with disrespect, or hurt. Pain will always be a part of life – but, when you are treated better by worse people than those closest to you – those situations need to be re-evaluated. Love with all you have, Forgive with what You’ve been given and teach with an open mind. Life is a lesson, we learn it when we’re through. Love and Hugs x0x

Im not afraid anymore – Of being Your disappointment.

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I don’t get it. I never have. I don’t know if I ever will.

Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, stretched my arms and yawned for the very first time …I wonder…

Was I the bright star in my parents eye? The Love they had never felt before they laid their eyes on this new, little life they brought into the world? When they held me …was it everything they expected or did they wish, in all reality they could actually just wish and make it all go away….Make ME go away?

I know if I truly ..truly had a do-over – as selfish as it sounds. I’d have removed the pain from all that was involved and I’d never have existed.

This so-called life I prefer to call a shit-storm…has truly been zero to celebrate.

I don’t have those childhood “yay” moments. Those “happy” days of yesteryear. Those times to say “I wish I could go back and relive that”

Most of the time …I either don’t remember at all  – OR If I do…I want to forget…Forget EVERY single, aching, heart wrenching moment. Not just the ones that were brought onto me…but, the ones that I brought onto others.

Those others who actually reached out and loved me. There was those who did. – and, I DO recognize my selfish behavior and attitude through this writing…through these words. It just cant be bottled up any longer.

I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t expected. I was a mistake.

Once you hear those words…They never leave you.

What happened after that – the years to follow – the ones I remember – only paraded in what was the exact reason in why I never should have been born into this so-called beautiful life.

Ive been called fat, ugly, spoiled, selfish. Ive been told to move on, get over it, you’re useless, you’ll never get anywhere, you wont succeed..you’re nothing.

After a while – believe it or not..You believe those things.

Was it really a surprise that I didn’t want to wake up half the time…just to be awake to wait to fall asleep that night – and repeat that same day over and over – 40 years later – here we are.

You can never be happy enough …when you are..Sadness shortly follows. When your sad, You’re always sadder. Or a whiner, downer, negative or a bummer. Which I totally get. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. That’s the part I don’t think most people get it.

But, its so much easier to blame it on the disease. Or “she missed a dose” ..”skipped her meds”, “took too many of her meds” …

Next breath, it’s “get over it – forget it..move on…You’re not the only one who got molested., its not the end of the world”

Newsflash…..No one asked you to listen. And, I didn’t ask for it to happen.

Newsflash number 2 — maybe it was easy for you to walk away – I never could have – maybe it was easy to just forget what happened because your guilt for whatever it is you feel you did or didn’t do would just dissipate and go away…well, it didn’t. And, I live with it everyday. Im glad you have a new life, a new family …and because of me – you left. So, you didn’t have to deal with me and MY issues.

I was a child.

And, ALL I EVER wanted …all I EVER needed was to be accepted..NOT abandoned. But, it is what it is. Because Im selfish …and, Its okay now.

My life is almost over and I wont have to wake up everyday with this pain..and You walked away a long time ago and raised another family – that didn’t have that drama and pain I did.

Hope you all had a good laugh. Or at least something to talk about.

That pedestal I put you on …. you deserved it for a time. part of you still does. Always will. But, I lost a huge part of the only part of me that I knew – when you walked away.

And, I was made to feel like It was my fault – Im just now realizing …it wasn’t MY fault at all. It was yours and yours alone.

And, One day – you’ll have to take responsibility for those choices you made. Because it affected all of us.

And it wasn’t fair. You didn’t suffer, You didn’t cry. Your whole life – was going on before you even walked out – how dare you make me want you or need you in my life so badly all this time? How dare you make this consume my life so much?

Not once have you EVER said sorry. It was just meant to be accepted.

It wasn’t acceptable. Period.

You don’t trade one for another…One child for another.

One family for another –

whether you’re happy or not – I get that. More than you know.

Ive accepted you more than anyone…but, Ive been the biggest fool and treated others badly because of the choices you made –

therefore deciding the choices I make – I was a child.

You hurt me…at the most vulnerable moment – and whether it upsets you or not – too bad.

I have EVERY right to tell you how I feel – Im not afraid anymore … If it wasn’t for your choices…maybe life would have turned out different..maybe I wouldn’t be alone right now – Maybe Id have made better choices..Maybe a lot of things…

But, I guess we’ll never know…because it was all lies. Every bit of it – since the day my eyes opened and my blue eyes shined.

Im sorry I was such a disappointment.

But, I was YOUR disappointment…YOUR choice …NOT mine.

and its not fair.

 

Land of Confusion.

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I awoke this morning in a fog..I awoke this morning like a log.. Kinda feeling and sounding like Dr. Seuss you say? Maybe so..May I go lay? I just want it all to fall into place..Just one day ..Just one damn day. No more confusion, just cle…ar eyes. May I borrow yours for just today? I’d share mine with you, but, what you’d see, I’m not sure you’d get..A lot of confusion and beauty within. Some people speak of odd and strange. Some accept you while you’re in front of them ..then wait to unglue. I don’t need those people in my life, I demand. I don’t want you people in my strange land. Please leave me alone ..in my sad, hollow solace. I’ve never asked you to be here – You were intrigued by my deep malice. Drop your stone you want to cast towards my brain..Ive hurt myself enough throughout this whole day. Your words and pain mean much more than I care to admit..But, openly I’ll just say – “I don’t care” and walk away … as tears fall inside my heart – I’ll show you no fame. You’re high above in your castle looking below – you once was my idol – my equal, my soul. Your laugh, I treasured, I honored – I needed. Now, I detest who I feel I’ve become you. It isn’t my fault what I had or was given..You say “let it go” .. use your own words and follow. I’m not your scapegoat, I am not your ghost. Sooner than later – you’ll realize its all been an illusion. Ive spent a lifetime searching for something that’s missing..the acceptance I felt was within you then found it. It wasn’t you who removed it or took it away – it was those who were around you – that felt they were better. I don’t blame them, or hate..It saddens me more. Saddens me only because in the blink of an eye you’re missing a beautiful mind. DarcyJeanJan8.2014See More