Im not afraid anymore – Of being Your disappointment.

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I don’t get it. I never have. I don’t know if I ever will.

Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, stretched my arms and yawned for the very first time …I wonder…

Was I the bright star in my parents eye? The Love they had never felt before they laid their eyes on this new, little life they brought into the world? When they held me …was it everything they expected or did they wish, in all reality they could actually just wish and make it all go away….Make ME go away?

I know if I truly ..truly had a do-over – as selfish as it sounds. I’d have removed the pain from all that was involved and I’d never have existed.

This so-called life I prefer to call a shit-storm…has truly been zero to celebrate.

I don’t have those childhood “yay” moments. Those “happy” days of yesteryear. Those times to say “I wish I could go back and relive that”

Most of the time …I either don’t remember at all  – OR If I do…I want to forget…Forget EVERY single, aching, heart wrenching moment. Not just the ones that were brought onto me…but, the ones that I brought onto others.

Those others who actually reached out and loved me. There was those who did. – and, I DO recognize my selfish behavior and attitude through this writing…through these words. It just cant be bottled up any longer.

I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t expected. I was a mistake.

Once you hear those words…They never leave you.

What happened after that – the years to follow – the ones I remember – only paraded in what was the exact reason in why I never should have been born into this so-called beautiful life.

Ive been called fat, ugly, spoiled, selfish. Ive been told to move on, get over it, you’re useless, you’ll never get anywhere, you wont succeed..you’re nothing.

After a while – believe it or not..You believe those things.

Was it really a surprise that I didn’t want to wake up half the time…just to be awake to wait to fall asleep that night – and repeat that same day over and over – 40 years later – here we are.

You can never be happy enough …when you are..Sadness shortly follows. When your sad, You’re always sadder. Or a whiner, downer, negative or a bummer. Which I totally get. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. That’s the part I don’t think most people get it.

But, its so much easier to blame it on the disease. Or “she missed a dose” ..”skipped her meds”, “took too many of her meds” …

Next breath, it’s “get over it – forget it..move on…You’re not the only one who got molested., its not the end of the world”

Newsflash…..No one asked you to listen. And, I didn’t ask for it to happen.

Newsflash number 2 — maybe it was easy for you to walk away – I never could have – maybe it was easy to just forget what happened because your guilt for whatever it is you feel you did or didn’t do would just dissipate and go away…well, it didn’t. And, I live with it everyday. Im glad you have a new life, a new family …and because of me – you left. So, you didn’t have to deal with me and MY issues.

I was a child.

And, ALL I EVER wanted …all I EVER needed was to be accepted..NOT abandoned. But, it is what it is. Because Im selfish …and, Its okay now.

My life is almost over and I wont have to wake up everyday with this pain..and You walked away a long time ago and raised another family – that didn’t have that drama and pain I did.

Hope you all had a good laugh. Or at least something to talk about.

That pedestal I put you on …. you deserved it for a time. part of you still does. Always will. But, I lost a huge part of the only part of me that I knew – when you walked away.

And, I was made to feel like It was my fault – Im just now realizing …it wasn’t MY fault at all. It was yours and yours alone.

And, One day – you’ll have to take responsibility for those choices you made. Because it affected all of us.

And it wasn’t fair. You didn’t suffer, You didn’t cry. Your whole life – was going on before you even walked out – how dare you make me want you or need you in my life so badly all this time? How dare you make this consume my life so much?

Not once have you EVER said sorry. It was just meant to be accepted.

It wasn’t acceptable. Period.

You don’t trade one for another…One child for another.

One family for another –

whether you’re happy or not – I get that. More than you know.

Ive accepted you more than anyone…but, Ive been the biggest fool and treated others badly because of the choices you made –

therefore deciding the choices I make – I was a child.

You hurt me…at the most vulnerable moment – and whether it upsets you or not – too bad.

I have EVERY right to tell you how I feel – Im not afraid anymore … If it wasn’t for your choices…maybe life would have turned out different..maybe I wouldn’t be alone right now – Maybe Id have made better choices..Maybe a lot of things…

But, I guess we’ll never know…because it was all lies. Every bit of it – since the day my eyes opened and my blue eyes shined.

Im sorry I was such a disappointment.

But, I was YOUR disappointment…YOUR choice …NOT mine.

and its not fair.

 

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